It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
