there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
