well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
