Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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