He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
