dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
