Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
