He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my being single is dangerous.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
