The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
