you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
