I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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