I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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