She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
