apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
