I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
