ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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