do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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