I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
