saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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