that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
