He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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