I'm jealous of your bromance
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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