I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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