two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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