I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
