The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
