I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
