just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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