I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
