Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
