My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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