if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize