Just cropdusted the office
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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