That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
