plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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