I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
well, you know. whores of a feather.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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