I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
