im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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