He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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