I just pynch a tree in the face
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So vagazzling was a success
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
