even my farts smell like vagina
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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