that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
