So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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