i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
