something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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