Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
