i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If I die, sorry about rent.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
