my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
