Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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