Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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