Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
