I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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