I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You are a genius and a whore.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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