i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
