I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
