what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
