Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
