Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
