I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
