party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize