just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize