Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
